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Quadruple Tree

"There has been an outbreak of chlamydia in in the world’s population of koala bears.  That’s true.  Expets say it’s the cutest outbreak of chlamydia ever.”  

( via Conan O’Brien Monologue from June 15th, 2011 )

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down.  Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny. - Mitch Hedberg
( via humblydead )

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down.  Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny. - Mitch Hedberg

( via humblydead )

I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever here buying nine apples, fuckin’ bag ‘em up!”
Mitch Hedberg ( via musicjunkie90 )
I saw a fish all by it’s self. I told him, “Dude, you need to stay in school.”
Mitch Hedberg ( via like-a-drug-infected-heart )