I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, “Do you want me to put them in a bag?” I said, “No, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I’m ever here buying nine apples, fuckin’ bag ‘em up!

Mitch Hedberg ( via musicjunkie90 )

I saw a fish all by it’s self. I told him, “Dude, you need to stay in school.

Mitch Hedberg ( via like-a-drug-infected-heart )

Examples:

• “If I am reading this graph correctly — I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert^[4]

• “If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.” —Dorothy Parker^[4]

• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx^[5]

• “She looks as though she’s been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say ‘when’.” —P. G. Wodehouse^[5]

• “I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Philips^[5]

• “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” —Mitch Hedberg^[3]

• “I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.” —Bill Hicks^[3]

( via davereed )

I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin’ straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said, “We’re going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.

Mitch Hedberg ( via al0ned0wnthere )